Of Joy and Shame

Of Joy and Shame

   What a weekend!

   This past weekend 06^th and 07^th April, I had gone with my old team for an overnight picnic to Ocean Hills Pereira Farms, Uttan. An outing which was for two months in the planning phase reached nightmare level status in the week leading up to it.

   All of that didn’t matter in the end – when we met at last, it was as if no time had passed.

   It felt so good to catch up with my old team friends, who had now left the organisation and gone their separate ways. I can’t recall the last time I laughed so much! I was in such high spirits that even my sister remarked I was not grumpy, even after I came back home.

    The location of the picnic was awesome too. Built on the slope of a hill and just behind the Our Lady of Velankanni church, the place had a relaxing vibe to it. The rooms allotted to us had great lighting, white walls and great natural lighting as well. We did take advantage of this later during the day.

     My ex-team leader, Nilesh Quadros, has now taken up photography as a profession. His website ‘Klicks away’ is proof of him being a natural at it. Poor fellow! He came to have a good time, but ended up spending the day clicking away pictures, totaling to more than a 1000! But, he didn’t mind it one bit. Rather, he was directing us, suggesting poses and capturing candid moments. Some of the best pictures have already been shared by me on an Instagram post/

     While going through the day’s pictures later in the evening, our conversation veered towards how he was taking up gigs across the city and finding his footing in the industry slowly. He wished out aloud, about how he could handle a professional photo-shoot, provided he had the means to arrange for a location and models to shoot.

     Pradip then had a brainwave; he looked around the room and suggested we have a nude photo-shoot with me as a model!

     For a moment, I was shocked, but that was quickly replaced by excitement. I had always wanted to have a photo-shoot, but in the nude? Why not? After almost 2 years of working out and 3 months of inconsistent dieting, I felt my body had leaned down quite enough.

     We sent everyone out and started the shoot – the room being occupied by just me, Nilesh and Pradip. They both handled the shoot with such maturity and professionalism, it was hard to believe that it was impromptu. The shyness, giggling and awkwardness was coming from me only and not them. Pradip was even directing me,for expressions and the placement of my limbs in different poses.

       During the whole time, I had thoughts of nervousness - how awkward my gait was, how weird it must have looked to them (not to mention being naked). Should I have had my legs waxed before as well? Or was it a good idea to even have my chest hair trimmed? I couldn’t place a finger on it. It was more of feeling ashamed of being nude than anything else. However, after a few minutes, I relaxed a little and was able to gain some confidence to pose accordingly.

    A couple of deep breaths and we were on!

    It felt liberating. I had never anticipated doing something like this so early in my bodybuilding phase, but it was such a rewarding experience. When I looked at the pictures later, I was stunned! Not only Nilesh had captured some gorgeous images, I was too overwhelmed by my own self.

    The images did not look vulgar or crass at all, rather elegant and beautiful. There was no reflection of my shame in any of them at all.

    The above may sound close to borderline narcissism and I would not blame you either. Too often, I have cared about what others think about me or how the world looked at me. I have indulged too much in vanity over the years by being obsessed with my body’s shape, my looks and have often forgotten to appreciate the way I am. Till date, I have spent thousands of rupees on my getting my skin fixed, treatment for my hair, spending money on gym & supplements. And all for what? To improve the way I ‘looked’.

    I was unhappy the way my reflection stared back at me in the mirror, further feeding my insecurities.

    However, this time, I have decided to change the way I think. I have decided to shift my thought process to how I must go about improving myself, rather than moan and bitch about my shortcomings constantly. I know self-love is important and we must accept the way we are, but it is this same self-love that is driving me to change my unhealthy eating habits and focus more on improving every aspect of me, for the better.

    I went from being feeling ashamed, no matter how I looked even after wearing expensive clothes to actually coming to accept and love myself, with all of my flaws, in my true naked form.

      Whew! All of this from a single photo-shoot.

    (P.S. Shout out to my friend Nidhi for encouraging me to post those pics and not care what others think about. Nidhi, you are awesome!)