The Selfish One

Heaven seems to be in mourning already.

That was the first thought that crossed Wilson’s mind as he drove through the clogged streets of Bandra. It was late in the night, almost midnight, when he had decided to go on a drive in his beloved Nano - his last one perhaps. 

September was almost over and yet the rains were in no mood to relent. As the sound of thunder rattled his car windows, his determination seemed to ebb away. The dark sky was illuminated with bolts of lightning and in the fraction of a second; he caught his stark reflection in the rear-view mirror.

‘What have I done?’ 

His hands began to shiver as he took out his cigarette (coincidentally the last one left in his packet) and lit it. A few drags and he seemed to calm down. He had left his mobile in the backseat and had no intention to check for any messages or calls.

‘No one would be bothered. Why would they?’

He took a few more drags and stared outside. Every year the rains came like a demonic spirit to expose the apathetic state of the city’s roads. He had parked his car carelessly alongside the Talao. A couple of vehicles drove past him, dangerously dipping into those potholes. 

‘God save this city’, he sighed.

He dragged a few more puffs until there was none left. He threw it out. Like the multitude of garbage that littered the streets, his last blown cigarette stub became a part of it.

He leaned his head on the steering wheel. After all he had done for them, they called him ‘the selfish one’. The memories of the previous arguments strained his mind and he pressed his fingers against his forehead. Oxford should have multiple definitions of the word ‘Selfish’, he thought.

TAK!!! TAK!!! TAK!!!

A sharp rap on the window brought him back to his senses. He turned and looked outside. There was a police patrol car parked next to his on the street. From his blurry vision, he could make out the silhouette of the policeman against the orange glare of the street lights.

“Hey, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?” 

“Nothing officer,” he said, rolling down the window, “I was headed to Worli. Had just stopped for a quick chai.”

“Then, park your car properly!!” he grumbled, “You are almost blocking the way. A reckless driver could have blown your car away.”

“That would be more than welcome!” he said in an undertone.

“What did you say?” said the officer sharply.

“Nothing, sir,” he lied, knowing completely well that the officer must have heard him.

“Have you been drinking?” asked the officer aggressively, typical of the way of the Mumbai cops.

“No sir,” he replied, “You can test me, if you want.”

The idea of conducting a test in the middle of the night amid heavy downpour was not what the office had in mind. He gave Wilson a long, hard look for quite a few seconds, eventually deciding that it would be futile.

“Go now, wherever you want to go,” said the officer, “Don’t let me catch you doing something again.” Saying this, he slid the window back, started the car and drove. Wilson looked at the car until it took a right for Hill road and vanished from view. Perhaps, it was time for him to do what he intended to do. 

He started the car again. This time, no amount of thoughts and answers would stop him. He was consumed with the idea. No matter where he looked, where he went, he met with a dead-end. He never wanted them to fawn over him or worship him. He just did his duty, his dharma that was expected of him. For their care, he gave up his life, his dreams, his choices, his desires and expected nothing back in return.

Until, the day, he decided to do something for himself…

The one decision that ruined everything for him.

He sought respite with the Gods – Jesus, Ganesha, Buddha, Sai Baba – yet, his soul couldn’t be calmed. His mind had become an entity in him, a bodiless voice that controlled him. This entity had made him a conduit, a puppet; a slave to his own suffering. 

It was this entity that drove him to insanity; to the point where he couldn’t tell from right to wrong. It was the same entity that made him get up, skip work today and drive his car to the sea link. He wanted to silence this entity forever. No amount of alcohol or substances would do that for him.

To achieve it, he would have to silence his mind forever..

To escape the taunts and the jibes, he would have to leave his mind behind.

He would have to separate this entity from his soul.

But, how could he do it? He sought answers everywhere – counselling, friends – but to no avail. 

Finally, he got the answer in a poem, a line that felt like a flicker of light in the darkness closing around him:

“….to jump from the earth and fly into oblivion…”

  He clung to it like moth to a flame. He was Icarus, flying closer to the sun. He realised that in order to free himself, he would have to let go and leave it all behind. The mind could not reach his soul once it had escaped from his dilapidating shell. 

The screams rang in his ears. He closed his eyes. The rain lashed the windshield. Their faces flashed before his eyes. Their angry faces! He couldn’t forget the way he was shouted upon, the tears that ran down his face as he felt stabbed and betrayed. The moment when he was called ‘Selfish’…

‘POOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMM’

He braked just in time to avoid hitting a bike driving past the Reclamation signal. The biker hurled abuses at him, but he didn’t mind. He had more pressing matters to deal with.

He started driving towards the illuminated Bandra-Worli Sea link. The sea looked peaceful and welcoming. He rolled down the window. The rainwater seeping in the car was the last thing on his mind. His eyes were focused on the cable terminals holding up the bridge. He was almost there.

Ideally, no one is supposed to stop their vehicle on the bridge. But tonight, his last night, the rules can go to hell! He made up his mind! There was no stopping him now.

His heartbeat started palpitating, his breathing getting heavier and heavier. He stopped the car. He reached for the door but paused. He wanted something to stop him, to tell him whether he was right. His throat went dry, his breathing getting shallower by the minute.

‘Now is not the time to get cold feet. It is now or never.’

He stepped out. Within seconds, he was drenched to the bone. The night couldn’t have been more perfect. The full moon glowed brilliantly, its lights reflected in the sea water in the distance. He felt the wind slapping him and started shivering immediately. He jumped over the railing and went to the side-walk. He looked down at the dark sea swirling below. 

This was his respite. The answer to his suffering. The one way he could escape the madness descending upon him by embracing Death.

It was time to end this chaotic existence. 

He leaned over the railing and closed his eyes. The last thought that he had was of the line as it flashed across the sky like lightning,

To jump from the earth and fly into oblivion

(To be continued)